CloudScape

       The mostly completed works

(-12,-6); 133
A mind afloat seeks solid footing. But don’t forget you were born to run on clouds. This was a message for future dev.
via Instagram, April 13, 2021

(-21,-9); 553
“To explain this piece to the public I should say that this is an interior piece rather than an exterior one, because its conception and the experience of doing it counts more than the sculpture itself...”
Cecilia Vicuña

(-8,-1), (-8,-2); 162, 163
“184. Writing is, in fact, an astonishing equalizer. I could have written half of these propositions drunk or high, for instance, and half sober; I could have written half in agonized tears, and half in a state of clinical detachment. But now that they have been shuffled around countless times- now that they have been made to appear, at long last, running forward as one river- how could either of us tell the difference.”
Bluets, Maggie Nelson

(10,-2), (10,-3); 426, 427
“Unlike most scholarly books, what follows is a riot of short chapters. I wanted them to be like the flushes of mushrooms that come up after a rain: an over-the-top bounty; a temptation to explore; an always too many. The chapters build an open-ended assemblage, not a logical machine they gesture to the so-much-more out there. They tangle with and interrupt each other– mimicking the patchiness of the world I am trying to describe.”
The Mushroom at the End of the World: On the Possibility of Life in Capitalist Ruins, Anna Lowenhaupt Tsing

(14,-1); 397
“Imagine an ovulating zebra riding on the back of a rhinoceros while solving differential equations.”
How the Languages We Speak Shape the Ways We Think, Lera Boroditsky

What I think about when I think about running1

What role does language serve?2 In its simplest form, it is a mechanism of communication. Some scholars posit language is innate– all who are born Homo sapien sapien have the capacity to comply with, interpret, and regurgitate the structures our languages demand.3 Granted, with various levels of success. But surely it is not the only mechanism: sex, cooking, and performance (to name a few) each convey readily understood ideas without wielding traditional spoken or signed language. How that idea is internalized differs according to form4 and context. I venture that running exists in a similar capacity to this type of language. Except it engenders communion with your own soul, rather than another's.5

Homo sapiens are obligate bipeds, meaning our species has adapted to moving our two little legs with dexterous efficiency over an evolutionary significant timescale. Indeed, it is one of the major anatomical distinctions responsible for our divergent phylogeny from apes. Apart from allowing us to walk more efficiently, this momentous physiological adaptation built within our psyche an avenue for contemplation and self-discovery. While there are a plethora of activities that offer a similar promise of introspection, few are so intrinsically tied to the human condition.

Last month I ran my first solo marathon distance (26.2 mi/42.2 km) in 4 hours and 39 mins. I must admit I did not discover anything revelatory. Though it validated something I’ve long recognized– harnessing one’s will is perhaps as fundamental as the body we do it with. I predict the coalescence of these two worlds (mind and body), when both are pushed to their absolute limit, will reveal something profound. Akin to a poet tirelessly revising a piece of writing, only to realize the remaining words were there all along. For it is only when humans seek more than themselves—or deeper within themselves—can they discover infinity.

I’ve long held a lofty goal of running 100 miles (161 km), the perfect excuse to actualize this hypothesis. That being said, even though I may never run that far I guarantee I will run damn far. A distance of this caliber requires both years of sustained sacrifice and tremendous immediate effort. I can only hope to remain healthy enough to even consider such a spectacle in the years to come.

This is often how my thoughts evolve when I run– a brief, meditative exploration which only leads to an abrupt ending. I meander between topics illuminated by memories, anxieties, and desires. Sometimes I take the ride and find myself in an entirely foreign thought-biome, unsure of how I arrived. During others, I find solace in the rudimentary act of movement, knowing it is perhaps the very best there is.6 If you’ve read this far, you’ve uncovered some of what running has taught me.7 Though many of the ideas presented here originated on a run some time ago, it has taken many moons to find their current image.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            It is in those moments I seek jouissance;8
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                it is through these words I find clarity.9

A few albums I've enjoyed running with in the order I (most likely) listened to them:
          Flow State - Tash Sultana (1 hr 1min); psychedelic rock, neo soul
          In Colour - Jamie XX (42 min); electronic, indie pop
          Random Access Memories - Daft Punk (1 hr 14 min); disco, funk, electronic techno
          Little by Little - Lane 8 (55 min); deep house, progressive house
          Love What Survives - Mount Kimbie (39 min); post-punk, electronic
          Sour - Olivia Rodrigo (34 min); teen pop, alternative pop
          BRAT - Charli XCX (41 min); hyperpop, experimental pop
          Música para viajes interdepartamentales vol. 1 - Fabrizio Rossi (29 min); soft rock, experimental
          Preacher’s Daughter - Ethel Cain (1 hr 15 min); gothic rock, Americana, softcore
          Kind of Blue - Miles Davis (45 min); jazz
          The Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd (42 min); progressive rock
          HVOB - HVOB (1hr 11min); deep techno, vocal pop

Witt noise10

“The artist seeks contact with his intuitive sense of the gods, but in order to create his work, he cannot stay in this seductive and incorporeal realm. He must return to the material world in order to do his work. It’s the artist’s responsibility to balance mystical communication and the labor of creation.”11 This Apollonian and Dionysian interplay12 exists as profoundly in the exploration of a medium as it does in the economy surrounding art– having one’s circumstances stable enough to support the creative process while free enough not to burden the result. Since the inception of the ‘free’ market, the accrual of wealth and power in the hands of the few has not faltered. The prevailing hegemonic forces have slowly drowned out the cries of starving artists and left only those who starve. What remains is a professional class of artist-folk with fine arts degrees from the world’s most reputable universities, and yet another engorged, soul-sucking enterprise wielded by powerful ‘elites’ to hoard wealth at the expense of the rest of society.13

In a conversation between Lucas Zwirner, Rirkrit Tiravanija, and Elizabeth Peyton,14 Tiravanija and Peyton described their experience in the ‘90s where they paid $290 (~$700 adjusted for inflation) per month for a three-room apartment in the East Village while their neighbors ‘probably’ paid $90 (~$220). In contrast, A and I share our three-bedroom apartment in Bushwick with two roommates and collectively pay nearly $4,000 per month. Zwirner, referring to the mythologies surrounding artists in the city in the ‘90s, noted “it was possible then, it still is possible now. But then it really was happening… And it seems to me that that’s not available to artists, or doesn’t feel as available to younger artists now.” Simply put,
          rent is too damn high.

The material conditions Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe found themselves in during the ‘60s would not allow them to find stable housing in 2025. Similarly, Andy Warhol’s capacity to manufacture a subversive identity at The Factory would turn limp amidst the Instagram Stories, YouTube Shorts, and TikTok Reels from influencers today.15 The mythologies of yore feel unattainable as capitalists have amassed ownership of the spaces mythologies of today would originate in through an accumulation by dispossession.16 A result of institutions, in all spheres, preying on emerging artists, pitting them against one another, and heralding only the genius who stands above the rest.17 Counter to the reality that all artists stand together in a lineage that opposes the very fascistic mechanisms now wielding their image.

There is an old Spanish expression that says hunger sharpens the wit.18 And I must emphasize, I have never been truly hungry.19 Smith’s seditious songwriting, Mapplethorpe’s sadomasochistic imagery, and Tiravanija’s relational aesthetics20 all lay bare a materiality to ponder, and exist in conversation with the surrounding socioeconomics. My frustration regarding the current state of the world for aspiring artists is Witt (white) noise when it comes to actually living as such– to be an artist is a state of being informed by material conditions, not dictated by. The cacophony of everyday life—extreme rent and insidious institutions—falls mute against the collective drumbeat of artists forever seeking to illuminate the elementary,21 and reaffirm what truly matters.

Springtime in Paris

Hook in
to skin– suspend,
forsake;
legs shake.                 Hesitate.
Two men,
ass’s ate.

dogs doms and
demons

the balcony
an orgy,
worthy
of mythology

Atelier 404

Hello, My Love. You’ve gone by many names. A was your first, then Monkey, though perhaps others in between. We’ve talked for hours about the world we want to live in, seemingly so far away, yet where do we currently reside? This seems like home to me.22

If you are not A, hello to you, nonetheless. The purpose of these words is to demonstrate value in existence. The technicality with which this is proven will be no more rigid than a conversation with a stranger– imprecise and unexpected. Whatever thoughts you conjure during this encounter will remain yours. Like Miyazaki, I ask you to enter, submit, and surrender.23 When leaving these pages, you’ll regain all faculty upon which you arrived. I must also note, you may leave at any time. No words, ideas, or insights I divulge can bind your feet to where you stand. But I want to show you there is strength in relinquishing power. If you’ll allow me, I can promise you a world. Beyond this I cannot qualify.

It’s true I have yet to demonstrate my worth. These pages, despite fervent effort, may never accomplish this task. Why give time, a sacred commodity, to one of presently dubious intent? Because I’m asking you to. You see, I cannot sit still– I am at the whim of my attention, in pursuit of devotion.24 For it is the teachings of Miyzaki, Oliver, and the others I have yet to invoke that have taught me how to assign my attention and construct meaning from the experience.25 My plea is not only to you but to myself, begging I act on this impulse.

In Jon Batiste’s 2022 Grammy acceptance speech,26 he spoke on how the creative arts act as a radar in reaching people when they need it most. Could this not also be true for the artist’s endeavour– is the act of creation finding me in this finite moment? I say finite because, in five months, I plan to swear in as a Peace Corps Volunteer and live in Guyana for 27 months. Atelier 404 will once again exist as a blank room located at 1660 East New York Ave, advertised on a website to prospective renters with dreams of grandeur. However, it is this exact impermanence which provides freedom. Only our desire to pursue expression, and how we shape our lives to meet that end, can manifest in actualization.

A conclusion

So, what have I learned? I'm alive
I can do most anything to a page. I'm alive
II'm alivehaveI'm alive theI'm alivepower to arrange words in whatever order II'm alivedesire.

Does this design of words, so neatly placed
accomplish what I now aim to convey?
Perhaps the answer is of no concern
as they appear here in their current form.


There was a time when we talked of beauty.
Please, can you recall what it was you said?
Because I’ve been struggling to remember
and it seems I no longer have the words.

Allow the colors you always walk by
        to call you by your name.
We live as a reflection of beauty
        by virtue of inquiry.

An idea is only completed
          after you’ve left it.
Then you cannot ask when it’s forgotten–
          it is forgotten.

Notes

My objective here was personal study.

They are not intended to be consumed alongside their corresponding piece, but rather upon further inquiry–
                as you will.

  1. An ode to Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. In 2018, I ran my first ever double digit (11) mile run after finishing this book when working on an organic vegetable farm in Upstate New York. It is a story of redemption and these words are no different. At some point, he would have chosen “At Least He Never Walked” to be written on his tombstone.
  2. How we talk about the world informs how we see it. For example, there are languages that use cardinal directions (north, south, east, and west) as opposed to body centered terms (left and right) when discussing space and navigation. ‘There’s an ant on your southwest leg,’ ‘Move your cup to the north-northeast a little bit.’ As a small child, you’re forced to orient yourself towards the natural phenomenon of magnetism and build in your mind's eye a compass, steadily holding north. This idea was previously deemed impossible, “but in fact it turns out humans are perfectly biologically capable of doing more than we thought we were; there are people in the world who can do it by virtue of the practice that language requires of them.” How the Languages We Speak Shape the Ways We Think, Lera Boroditsky
  3. In the 1960s, Noam Chomsky proposed the idea that all humans have within themselves a Language Acquisition Device (LAD). The LAD is programmed with specific grammatical structures common to all languages, and enables infants to acquire and produce language from a young age. There is insufficient evidence in the scientific community to support this claim. I am not sure if he still holds this belief.
  4. “Form has a meaning– but it is a meaning entirely its own, a personal and specific value that must not be confused with the attributes we impose on it… [it] is open to interpretation” (68). Reneé Green’s “Extraterritorial Operations and Some Kinds of Duration: Encountering On Kawara and Chantal Akerman.” Artists on Artists Lecture Series: On Kawara. Referencing Henri Focillon, “The World of Forms,” in The Life of Forms in Art.
  5. This idea was inspired by a quote from Charlemagne (King of the Franks): “To have another language is to have another soul.” I acknowledge this implies the ‘another soul’ is your own, distinct from your current self. Though I am playing into the idea that language, ‘in its simplest form,’ is used to communicate with others.
  6. “... why shouldn’t something I have always known be the very best there is. I love you from my childhood, starting back there when one day was just like the rest, random growth and breezes, constant love, a sandwich in the middle of day, a tiny step in the vastly conventional path of the Sun. I squint. I wink. I take the ride.” Peanut Butter, Eileen Myles
  7. “Running taught me valuable lessons. In cross-country competition, training counted more than intrinsic ability, and I could compensate for a lack of natural aptitude with diligence and discipline. I applied this in everything I did. Even as a student, I saw many young men who had great natural ability, but who did not have the self-discipline and patience to build on their endowment” (41). Long Walk to Freedom, Nelson Mandela
  8. I am specifically referring to the self-shattering capacity of jouissance as described in Leo Bersani’s Homos.
  9. On Mysticism: The Experience of Ecstasy, Simon Critchley. We all have our mystics; these pages celebrate mine.
  10. Invoking Patti Smith’s Witt (pronounced white)– one of Smith’s first publications; a window into her early voice. The idea was inspired by friend and artist Laurel Delany.
  11. Just Kids, Patti Smith, pg. 121. I listened to this on audiobooks while visiting my uncle in late 2024. Her prose transported me to a world equaling the grandeur of the dense alpine expanse of South Lake Tahoe. Smith’s presence in my life marks the inflection point towards actively pursuing creative expression.
  12. See All the Beauty and the Bloodshed, a documentary following Nan Goldin’s fight against the Sackler family while highlighting the art world’s complicity in ruining the lives of millions of individuals and their families.
  13. The Birth of Tragedy: Or Hellenism and Pessimism, Friedrich Nietzsche. I stumbled across this during a period of time when I sought advice on how to be a writer– show up as often as you can, otherwise you won’t be able to capture those moments of inspiration.
  14. Rirkrit Tiravanija and Elizabeth Peyton, Interview by Lucas Zwirner, available via Spotify. Found through Helen Molesworth’s work on Ruth Asawa.
  15. I acknowledge that these platforms in some ways exist in response to Warhol, and without his influence we would live in a very different social climate.
  16. Harvey, David. “The ‘New’ Imperialism: Accumulation by Dispossession.” Socialist Register, 19 Mar. 2009.
  17. Jean-Michel Basquiat is the prototypical individual representing this idea. He was one of the first forced to bear the weight of the artworld’s gaze in the modern era (Anthropocene to current day).
  18. Never Any End to Paris, Enrique Vila-Matas. A book recommended by Juan Avila of SmallTerrain– an artist collective located in Ghent, Belgium. https://smallterrain.org/
  19. Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe, at some point, were truly hungry (I cannot speak to the others I’ve alluded to). These words aim to elucidate the context in which my words are written, and speak to my intrinsic ignorance of this world.
  20. “I have, more or less, used the kitchen and cooking as the base from which to conduct an assault on the cultural aesthetics of Western attitudes toward life and living... In the communal act of cooking and eating together, I hope that it is possible to cross physical and imaginary boundaries.” untitled 1990 (pad thai), Rirkrit Tiravanija
  21. “The difficult problems are the fundamental problems; simplicity stands at the end, not at the beginning of a work. If education can lead us to elementary seeing, away from too much and too complex information, to the quietness of vision, and discipline of forming, it again may prepare us for the task ahead, working for today and tomorrow.” Black Mountain College Bulletin (1941), Anni Albers
  22. This was the hue A chose to denote the color of the pen used in writing their first poem to me. As if to say the words were not allowed, and would fall apart when spoken to the wind.
  23. Hayao Miyazaki, Hayao Miyazaki et al. In my mind, I have not yet seen enough films to justify rewatching the ones I have seen– Miyazaki films are the only exception. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, Spirited Away, and Princess Mononoke are my favorites.
  24. Upstream, Mary Oliver. I believe she will indefinitely remain an influential force in my life. Gifted by longtime friend and filmmaker Jacob Gusentine. https://jacobgusentine.com/
  25. This Is Water, David Foster Wallace. I attended Kenyon College and graduated in 2020. David Foster Wallace gave this speech during Kenyon’s 2005 commencement. How we construct value from our experiences is within our capacity, though not without difficulty. This is perhaps the greatest takeaway from my four year physics degree.
  26. American Symphony, a documentary following Jon Batiste and Suleika Jaouad, directed by Matthew Heineman.